Who am I?

This child is going to be the death of me. She will not take a bottle, does not matter if it has breast milk, formula, water, nothing; she only wants the boob. She also will only eat banana baby food or banana berry. I have tried every single combination they make and this is what happens. First, comes the upset face followed by gut-wrenching screams. I don't know what else to do... Forcing her to eat does not work either, she will literally spit it all out. 

I feel like I am on an island by myself and no one really understands what is going on in my head/heart/life. I love my little ones so much but most days I dread waking up in the morning, knowing that the day will be another constant uphill battle. I look forward to bedtime when I feel like I can breathe again. I watch them on the cameras as they sleep and feel guilty for feeling the way I do and also missing them. It is like Stockholm syndrome but with children. (Maybe that was not the best comparison but I don't know what else to compare it too. Also not trying to demoralize or compare me to those that have actually gone through Stockholm syndrome.) 

I wanted to breastfeed for so long and be good at it, and now all I want is to have my body to myself again. To feel like Ellie is getting enough, to feel like I am enough for my children and husband. Every day I feel like I am failing someone or not doing enough for everyone. Growing up I had all these visions of being the "June Cleaver" mom. To have the perfect body, to always look my best, wear my string pearls and apron. My children dressed to the nye, dinner on the table for my husband with a drink in hand as he walked in the door.The children to be clean and in bed with full tummies, knowing I had done everything right during the day. To have them not have a struggle in the world or the only struggle they did have was what friend were they going to hang out with tomorrow, or what boy/girl to go to the dance with. 

I don't remember the last time I was able to just sit down with one of my children and actually play with them. Someone is always needing me, every day I feel like I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I don't want them to remember mommy as this person that was always sitting in front of or on a computer. If I am not working on the computer, I am sitting there trying to gain back some semblance of myself or to just zone out for a bit before the next catastrophe happens.

I am not who I wanted to be or envisioned I would be growing up and to be honest, I don't even know who I am anymore. I went from being someone's daughter, to on my own, to dating, to engaged, to married and being someone's wife, to now a mom. I am 29 years old and still don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life. All I ever wanted to be growing up was a wife and a mother, and now... I don't know.